Seriously, I’ve cried so many times this year. And every time I cry, it’s always because of the same reason.
Growing up, I never seem to had any problems finding or maintaining friendships. But everything turned on to me. What a year. I even have a very important exam coming up. Everything is so stressful!
Also, I had an oral test the other day and the teacher accused me of memorising a script for the oral test where I did not prepare any script whatsoever. I also stayed silent for most of the time during the test because the teacher didn’t even tell me what the question exactly wants. She just said “Student these days feel stressed when exams are around the corner. Give your opinion.” That’s literally it. There was supposed to be some cues so that I can answer exactly what the question needs me to answer. Because of that, my marks got deducted. Oh and also that made me super duper stressed to the point where I cried in the bus. (We were heading to the stadium because we were going to have sports day) Honestly, my PT3 grades are going to get DESTROYED because of that.
So friendships. Friendships are a curse upon me. Not that I’m cursed to having good friends around me but the other way around. I feel that I seriously don’t have any friends. Some people claim they are but what do I know what’s in their hearts? Everything they do only hurts me. So I am a border student (someone who lives in the hostel) and I’m usually alone in my room. No one visits me. Well sometimes people do. Sometimes only. I’m usually the one who has to go to their rooms. Or maybe it’s because I always expect to visit me 24/7. I don’t know. It’s probably both anyways.
I also have a best friend -I think- that doesn’t realise I’m always there for him. So during the quarantine session before the oral exam, I saw that he was feeling a bit in the blue. So I was like “I know that feeling.” But then he’s just like “No you don’t understand. You don’t understand the pain when you put trust in someone but they break it.” and then I answered “Do you know the pain when someone makes you happy but they don’t realise it?” That was actually referencing to me. I tried to make him happy to the verge that I myself cried.
Sometimes, I would see him walking with another person and I would get jealous. (It’s a normal best friend instinct is it not?) and then I would feel that he avoids me when he is with his friends. I feel like a fool. I feel dumb. I feel stupid. I feel uncool. I feel like shit. Maybe it’s untrue that he’s avoiding me and it’s only my mind trying to make me cry but it’s really frightening for me if the scenario is true.
Walking alone is really normal for me.
Being pressured with all these and the pressure from my parents who expect me to get straight A’s is really pushing my limits.
Sometimes, I feel used. Like a toy… I have feelings. Why are you doing this to me? When I was a child, I always wished to become an adult. But like everyone else, I was lied to. I thought life was supposed to be fun.