what i’ve learned

Inspired by an event that had occured last week:

  1. Do leaders these days actually have leadership skills or do leaders these days have popularity?
  2. As a leader, always be responsible for what you have done, even if it is a bitter pill to swallow.
  3. Do not blame anyone else for something that you have done.
  4. Why become a leader if you’re​ a tyrant?
  5. Not every manifesto that someone says to become a leader is real.
  6. Be yourself.
  7. Never change who you are just to get something; your heart is suffering.
  8. Do you even have a heart?
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Tired

I’ve progressed through the game of life for about 16 years now and the same thing keeps stressing me out and it’s other people’s expectations towards me. I am a very insecure person. I care about anything people say about me. You know it gets tiring trying to change and adapt yourself to other people’s expectations.

Everyone has their own opinion on a ‘perfect’ me. Some people want me like this and some people want me to be like that while my real self has no space. 

I’m done. I’m tired.

I’ve jumped to a very ‘easier said than done’ conclusion. I’m me. Nobody can change that. Why fulfill your expectations when you will never be satisfied with who I am?

People’s expectations are like a flame. Everytime try to fulfill it, it’s like you’re chucking firewoods into the flame, making combust more brighter and could potentially harm you. So rather than adding more firewood to the fire why not just leave it? I mean in the end the fire will die out right? 

Yes.

I am who I am. Deal with it.

inspire

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on my blog. 

To be honest, I’ve never accomplished anything big in my life and that’s what was on my mind when I was about to start this blog. The idea is : I wanted to be someone who will inspire people. But I realise that I will never be anything huge or inspiring. Hahaha.

Yep. I’m like everybody else a normal guy. You know, sometimes I would watch a YouTuber’s videos and would be 101% motivated to also do something that would inspire people. I want to be someone who matters. Who could contribute to the world.

But who am I kidding. I’m like everybody else. Having dreams that will (probably) never come true. 

Perhaps that being nobody and being someone who doesn’t matter is also a blessing. Who knows?

i rly hav no idea wat i was writing sry

Is life supposed to be hard?

Seriously, I’ve cried so many times this year. And every time I cry, it’s always because of the same reason.

Growing up, I never seem to had any problems finding or maintaining friendships. But everything turned on to me. What a year. I even have a very important exam coming up. Everything is so stressful!

Also, I had an oral test the other day and the teacher accused me of memorising a script for the oral test  where I did not prepare any script whatsoever. I also stayed silent for most of the time during the test because the teacher didn’t even tell me what the question exactly wants. She just said “Student these days feel stressed when exams are around the corner. Give your opinion.” That’s literally it. There was supposed to be some cues so that I can answer exactly what the question needs me to answer. Because of that, my marks got deducted. Oh and also that made me super duper stressed to the point where I cried in the bus. (We were heading to the stadium because we were going to have sports day) Honestly, my PT3 grades are going to get DESTROYED because of that.

So friendships. Friendships are a curse upon me. Not that I’m cursed to having good friends around me but the other way around. I feel that I seriously don’t have any friends. Some people claim they are but what do I know what’s in their hearts? Everything they do only hurts me. So I am a border student (someone who lives in the hostel) and I’m usually alone in my room. No one visits me. Well sometimes people do. Sometimes only. I’m usually the one who has to go to their rooms. Or maybe it’s because I always expect to visit me 24/7. I don’t know. It’s probably both anyways.

I also have a best friend -I think- that doesn’t realise I’m always there for him. So during the quarantine session before the oral exam, I saw that he was feeling a bit in the blue. So I was like “I know that feeling.” But then he’s just like “No you don’t understand. You don’t understand the pain when you put trust in someone but they break it.” and then I answered “Do you know the pain when someone makes you happy but they don’t realise it?” That was actually referencing to me. I tried to make him happy to the verge that I myself cried.

Sometimes, I would see him walking with another person and I would get jealous. (It’s a normal best friend instinct is it not?) and then I would feel that he avoids me when he is with his friends. I feel like a fool. I feel dumb. I feel stupid. I feel uncool. I feel like shit. Maybe it’s untrue that he’s avoiding me and it’s only my mind trying to make me cry but it’s really frightening for me if the scenario is true.

Walking alone is really normal for me.

Being pressured with all these and the pressure from my parents who expect me to get straight A’s is really pushing my limits.

Sometimes, I feel used. Like a toy… I have feelings. Why are you doing this to me? When I was a child, I always wished to become an adult. But like everyone else, I was lied to. I thought life was supposed to be fun.

pt3.

I’m deeply sorry for the lack of updates everyone. I still love you though. So I’m now experiencing the pt3 examination. And it is just the first subject out of 11. This a really big thing for me. So I hope you’ll understand what I’m going through.

 

BUT. I am making a visual project now for you guys. I’m really excited to show it to you guys when it releases. By visual project, I mean a collection of videos. Which means that I will upload it on YouTube. I hope you like as much as I like it. Basically the project is about my daily thoughts that I confine in myself and.. just my thoughts on things

Stay tuned 🙂

 

fame.

The fame status is something that every homosapiens (human) aspire to achieve. If you’re like “Nah, I don’t want to be famous,” then you’re a liar because I know that when you scroll through your Instagram photos with little likes you’d be like “Why am I not getting likes?” And also, I’m not denying that being famous is also something I would like to achieve.

It’s actually funny what being famous could do. Imagine that you’re famous right now. And your friends aren’t. I bet they’d be proud that you know them and they know you. What’s also funny is that even the person who used to hate  you the most will also be proud and they’ll be like “I KNOW THAT GUY!! HE USED TO BE MY CLASSMATE!” and clearly he/she won’t mention that he/she used to despise you.

So yeah, being famous could make your friends like you because you have the power to make him/her famous too.

But being famous isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. You will be locked down in your own life. Everywhere you go, everything you do, people will know. Your flaws will be magnified. There will be rumours about you. And for example, if you slipped and tripped on the floor in public, people will be like taking pictures and stuff. And.. you, aren’t actually you.

Let me tell you why I actually want to be famous. I want to prove them wrong. Wrong for ignoring me. When you get famous, that’s when all your friends come chasing you. They want to be known as the person who used to be your ‘friend’ but in reality, they used to isolate you in school. I want a community who adores me. Loves me. Supports me.

But, knowing the consequences of being famous, would I still chase fame?
Probably.

fragments.

In my opinion, memories and friendship are fragments. Every second, every minute, every breath you take are fragments. These fragments creates stories when conjoined.

That only make sense for memories. What about friendship? How does it relate to these ‘fragments’?

Imagine that your heart is hollow. (Literally, you’d die but this is the heart that symbolises the place of emotion.) Everyone, you meet, make acquaintance with are giving you fragments to fill up your heart.

Think of it as this: everytime you hurt someone, their fragment will shatter from your heart. Your heart will be incomplete. In real life, a heart with holes will put your life in danger.

Relate it to the the heart created by fragments.

The friends you have are important. Try to never break or end a friendship. You’ll hurt them. And they’ll also hurt you.